Focusing On a Dream

So, I am legally disabled because of my depression and a co-morbid condition complicated by genetics. Long story short one day I was the best employee ever; then one morning I was broken!

With that being said I often struggle with the fact that I am not what I once was and I feel useless. I was raised to pull my weight and to give my all. My disease took away my ability to function as I am ingrained to do. It worsened my depression and anxiety which fuels my co-morbid condtition and in reverse order. It has been almost 7 yeas since I fell ill, 5 years since I have been able to work, and 4 years since I was legally deemed disabled.

I have learned the hardway that we are not our jobs and we can always reinvent ourselves. We use occupation to define us, but more often than not we are something much more complex and beautiful than what when do to pay our bills.

As a Mom, which I thought I would never get to be, I often feel more guilt for my inablility to provide for my family. I never feel that I measure up. Everyone is always saying things like “oh, you get to stay at home, how nice not to have to work.” I usually respond with something like I can’t work, I wish I could. I LOVE MY SON, but I did not choose to not work. I never thought it would bother me so much not to work. I mean people usually complain about their job, but I long to be something other than a disabled Mom.

I decided to pursue my writing and self publish and while it feels good it is difficult to stand out. I enjoy the creation process, however beyond self satisfaction the reward is small. I recently also decided to become a freelance writer. I really feel like I can be useful when I feel well. I just hpe this takes some pressure off my husband.

I am happy yet worried.

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